perfect

O is leaving for his new home in a week in a half and his new owner A and I were e-mailing a bit today and she said something about her other dog and Obi will get out of bed every morning and just start playing and racing around and "It will be perfect." and that just hit hard

Because things here with him use to be "perfect" and then over a period of months they weren't.

He is still perfect. He will always be perfect. I am not perfect. My home is not perfect. I couldn't be the right home for him. I couldn't be someone who could live with a dog that just wanted to play all day and race around the house, bouncing off the furniture, and see that as 'perfect'.

On some level I still feel like I failed. I couldn't be 'perfect'. I'm giving up my dog because I can't change enough or be tolerant enough or accepting enough to just let him be a dog in my home. Because I need dogs who want jobs. Because I need a service dog. Because I need a dog who will do something rather than run around and play all day. Because even if I could afford 5 dogs, I still couldn't handle having him here racing around being happy and excited and kissy and huggy and goofy all day long all the time with 4 other dogs to care for as well. I failed him. I promised him I'd take him home and he'd be my dog and I lied to him.

I keep trying to convince myself that he understands. That he gets it. But I really don't think he does. I think he enjoyed playing with A's dog and he likes A but he doesn't understand that he will probably see me once a year if that and he may never see the other dogs he lives with now again. He doesn't understand that. J would, N would, M would, but O just keeps saying 'ok, sure, now can we play?' He doesn't understand.

I think I have found the best home for him. Obviously I have. A thinks he is perfect and that 'it will be perfect.' She wants that crazy, goofy, licky, huggy, racing around puppy that is O. The one that I can't live with. A is the best home. And I am not.

I remember as a kid not understanding how breeders and people could just give up their dog. I still don't understand. I don't understand how I am doing this. I know that he can't live with me. That I can't be his forever home, that I'm not tolerant enough of the way he needs to live. I have become something I don't understand yet again. I'm giving up my dog. He's no longer mine. I'm giving up a dog whose name is O, who I promised I would take care of. Now it's out of my hands. He belongs to A. He'll be loved and hopefully well cared for. He'll be better off there than with someone who can't deal with who he is. Than with someone who can't cope with who he is and who he needs to be. And that's failure.