social

Today dr s asked what I had going on in the near future and I reminded him that I have college starting up. And he promptly asked what I planned to do about 'the social aspect'. And I realized, I don't have a plan. And that's probably not a good thing.

I mean in high school and my very limited college career, I avoided the whole thing. In my head school was for getting an academic education. "Social" never came into play. I didn't really relate to my peers, I related to people who had similar interests as I did- dogs. So my friends were people decades older than I, who had long been out of school, who did things with their dogs outside of work.

In high school being in the hallway was a sensory over load hellish experience for me. So I avoided that. For me there was no extra time spent at my locker chatting with people. There was no "Hi, how are you?" in the hallways. I rushed from class to class, occasionally stopping at my locker. Most of the classes I took I was taking the class for the year above my grade, so I was the 10th grader in AP Biology, I was the 11th grader in senior Physics. Those kids could have cared less about associating with me. I was nobody. And rather happy to be nobody. I didn't want social relationships with them. It wasn't something I felt I lacked, nor did I miss, nor right now do I lament that I never had.

At CMU, I lived off campus so I didn't have dorm room experiences to make friends. Again I made friends with dog people who were way older than I. I was going to school, teaching classes for the local dog club and trying to survive being very very mentally ill at the time. I didn't really have the emotional resources in excess to spend time forming relationships with strangers. I was just trying to stay alive and pass my classes and catch the right bus (which I rarely ever managed to do).

Now, my friends continue to be people I have made through dogs. I know how to talk to dog people. I don't honestly know how to talk to other people in real life. I'm awkwardly social. I can barely hold up my end of a conversation, and that's only when I really work at it. Strangers scare the living crap out of me and what is college but a whole mess of strangers in one place rushing around.

The idea of having to be social at this new venue freaks me out in ways that I don't have words to express. I didn't plan for it. And when pressed today, I realized that I would probably do what I did in high school- avoid the whole thing. I mean I can answer the basic "What's your dog's name?" "How old is he?" "What is he?" that I get from strangers on a near daily basis. But more than that like, "Hi, what's your name?" And I clam up. I start thinking in my head- "What?, Why do they want to know that?, Who is this person? Am I supposed to remember them? What did I forget? Oh crap, what am I supposed to say? What did they ask? Why are they talking to me? What did I do?" etc. And by then the person starts to wonder- "Ok what's wrong with this girl and why can't she answer a simple question?" It gets very awkward very fast.

Now this is all very different when I'm teaching and am 'in charge' so to speak. I can talk to my students, I can run a class, I can act the part and do my job. But if I run into one of them in the supermarket, I'm back to acting like I've never said a word in my life. Actually chances are in the supermarket I won't even recognize the person. Or I will be able to place them as a dog student and then I manage to say, "Oh, so how is [your dog] doing? He must be [age] old now isn't he? I hope he's doing well!" And I get out of conversations that way.

And I can also do 'planned' conversations. Conversations with people where I go in with a written list or a list in my head of all the points I want to touch upon and I treat the conversation much like a public speaking oration or assignment and I force the conversation to not deviate from what I had planned. Or if it does deviate, then I get into trouble once more. Many of my drs appts go like this. I walk in with a written list and go through that and it works and I come off as a somewhat intelligent being who can speak clearly and articulately.

But back to school, I had and still have no plan on what I'm going to do if someone tries to talk to me and the 'conversation' migrates away from the basic J related questions that I'm use to. I know myself well enough to know that I am perfectly capable of going through a day without speaking a word to any human. I can go multiple days like this on end. I can and do do this without noticing. And I will easily fall into a routine of that while I am at college same as I did in high school.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do. "social" is so confusing and complicated!