decisions

After 3 sleepless nights, a countinuous panic attack, numerous freakouts, nightmares when I manage to snooze and all manner of other working myself into a tizzy and making myself sick, I realized that now is probably not the wisest time to be coming off my meds. I need to wait until life changes aren't wigging me out so much and my stress level stabilizes. If I start futzing with the meds that help keep me stable at a time when life is very much not stable I risk a very big crash and I really don't want to go there.

I find that I hate making life altering decisions when I've had so little sleep. I discover that the decisions I make in those situations aren't necessarily the best. Last night I was in a complete overwhelmed panic about school (again). I convinced myself that I just couldn't do it (don't even want to know how many times I've vaciliated on this decision over the past 10 months) and that it was stupid to try. That I wasn't cut out for that type of learning and overall environment.

For so many years I was convinced that I was not intelligent. That I couldn't learn. That I passed my classes by luck alone. I'm a perfectionist growing up with 'that's not good enough' parents. The pressure to always do better, that you're failing unless you are achieving 100% when you are an incredibly literal person makes for one with little confidence. It's taken years of therapy with him telling me over and over and doing IQ tests and trying to 'prove' to me that I'm not an idiot (literally I thought for years I was incredibly stupid) for me to even somewhat admit that 'ok maybe I am somewhat educated.' But when the chips fly, I still revert back to my- I can't do this, I'm a failure, I'm not smart, I can't learn.

Last night was that all over again.

But then I was reminded that I set up this as just 1 class, as just an exploration, as just 'trying it', to see if it was possible. That I'm not comitted to anything if I decide I just can't or don't want to do it. If I find I'm making myself sick, I can cancel out at anytime.

So I said Ok I would think about it some more. I wouldn't just quit right now.

Today I got some sleep. I hope to get some more sleep tonight. I feel more incontrol. Less like I'm riding on a run away freight train. I still don't feel like I can do it. I still feel like it might be one of the worst decisions of my life. But I will try the 1st day on the 8th. And I will try to stay present and not dissociate the whole thing. And I will trust my dog to do his job like he has been trained and our relationship over the years has taught him and to listen to him if he says I need to leave or how to get us home and stay safe. And I hope it won't be like high school. And I hope it will have more user friendly interfaces for me. And who knows maybe it won't be so bad. Maybe.