memory lane

Last night my folks and I went down to Plymouth. I needed to be in a place where Re had been, where we'd had fun, where we'd had positive memories. We walked around. J lusted for the pond and stream but did his job of guiding me with his usual expertise. I was pretty morose. Upset. Quiet. Tired of listening to my mother's constant chatter and my father's constant complaining. Both of them love to hear their own voice, All The Time (most of the population does I have discovered, they're human I guess)

Today it rained. I called TSE and learned that they too in addition to GDF are willing to allow me to apply and they will consider my application for a guide dog. I spent an hour occupying myself writing a supporting letter explaining my somewhat unusual (for them) circumstances and filling out their on-line application. By then it was 11am. I replied to an e-mail from JL, I don't know that he's ever lost anyone or if he really 'gets' just how important and what impact my dogs have in my life but I get the feeling he was trying to be sympathetic and at least attempting to understand. That took me till about noon. I made some rottini and put salad dressing on it (best way to eat both rice and pasta, finding just the right salad dressing can make a world of difference, my friends think I'm gross, I think it's delicious and hey at least I was eating, it was something). And tried to watch some TV, that didn't go well. N was laying at the foot of the bed and I glance down and just saw his uncle in him. Then it was pouring rain and J and I took a walk to the ice cream parlor. About 3miles. I had rain gear but still got damp. I needed to leave the house, I needed to get out.

Then I decided to put on some music. Sometimes that helps and sometimes it backfires in my face. All the music I have is stuff that my mother used to love, folk music really, that immediately brings me back to being a kid and in various homes we lived in and other memories. At first I thought 'this is a bad idea' but then I was able to get out of my head and turned it up all the way and danced with the dogs. That's something Re would tolerate from me. He always thought I was nuts, but sometimes he'd dance. Today N was dancing with me. My BrownBoy. Not my BrownDog, but he was there in my head.

Spent today going back and forth on Memory Lane. I still miss Re. But part of him was here, at least in my head, which is really the only place he'll ever be for now.