just another reminder

yesterday and today were busy days. time spent with various friends. outings in places that were over crowded, noisy, cars everywhere, bustling with activity. and I am tired. exhausted really. and when i think about it, I didn't really do that much. it was just being immersed in such environments for a somewhat prolonged period of time (about 2hrs max) that over did it for me. and it's just another reminder how functioning in everyday life that I'm supposed to do so easily, really isn't.

it's how driving after such an event is impossible. yet being reliant on public transit just prolongs the experience as that in and of itself is another sensory overload experience. it's why I tend to be so reliant on others, friends and family, for transportation. just to give my system a break, while still giving myself the opportunity to be out doing stuff and not cooped up in my house all the time. yet still, for the people in my life who claim to 'understand' I get "It's such a pain to drive you all the time you know." YES god damn it, I KNOW! And I'm sorry I'm asking for so much. If you don't like it, you have a choice not to be in my life, I'm not forcing you to do anything. And those comments too are just another reminder of how deficient I am in so many ways. How much of an inconvenience to so many my issues are, well guess what they're quite an 'inconvenience' to me as well, except I can't just walk away from them and 'resume normal life', for me this is normal life.

It's days like yesterday and today, while I had a really good time, 2 days in a row and I'm spent. And I wonder, how am I ever going to function in the real world. Will I ever be able to do school part time, or full time even. Am I ever going to hold down a job other than "part time" dog trainer. It's a reminder of the past 6 years I've spent mainly doing nothing that other people would consider productive for someone my age. I was supposed to be out in the work force or in school so I could then go in the work force. Instead my life has consisted of drs appts, hospital stays, and medications. I was voted "Most Likely To Succeed" for my high school graduating class, instead I was on disability by age 20.

Every time an occasion happens where someone says, "You know, I do work." It's just another reminder that, yes, I really don't. I never expected to be disabled, who does really. I never had my life together, I knew for years I was careening down a path I couldn't stop that was going to end in disaster, but I always assumed I'd have a 'real' 40hr 9-5 M-F with benefits job. I assumed I would be a worthwhile assett to humanity somehow. Yet here I am 6 years later, and every time I turn around I'm reminded of all the things I don't do that I should be able to. Every time I turn around there is another reminder that because I look fine physically I should be fine in every other way and therefore get off my duff and do something.

Tuesday I'm trying college again. For the past 2 weeks my brain has not allowed me to think about it. At all. I try and I get a massive void. A blank. A nothingness. I tried to explain it to my therapist and he says I'm probably so anxious about it that I'm blocking the whole thing out. Great. This is so really going to work. Can you sense the sarcasm? My last attempt at college was a disaster, and that's saying it nicely. I lasted 8 months. Barely. I don't remember anything of the last 3 months. This time I've been working with disability services but in order to make it work I have to actually talk to the prof and give him a letter on Tuesday. The thing is there is an incredibly high likelyhood that *I* won't be there on Tuesday. Physically I'll be sitting in the classroom, but in every other respect I doubt I'll be there. Which makes talking to someone I deem rather threatening and imposing, ie the professor, a very difficult proposition. One I did not feel I was able to properly explain to the disability services person I've been working with. They think I've got my act together and can manage something like that, heck I seemed as it I had it all together every time I talked to them. But then there was no crowd, there was no real pressure, there was no 'this is school' stress. Tuesday there will be. And that's a whole nother ball game. Even my therapist said, "Thank God for J" ie even he doesn't really think I'll be able to manage the 1st day myself well.

Most of it I'll rely on J to get me around and home safely. Since we all know that *I* will more than likely not be present. I'll be on autopilot, following my dog, and I will survive same as I've survived any other inordiante number of incredibly stressful experiences, but I won't remember it, my brain will conveniently seperate and I'll have no memories to fall back on of how it went or didn't go. And I'll have no one there to recreate it for me, but a 4 legged black dog who speaks another language that doesn't translate into calculus well.

This endeavor doesn't seem like it's moving in a direction for success at this time. Which will just be another failure to add to the tally. Another avenue that I'm supposed to be capable of, I'm told I should be able to do. And looking at it now, I have serious doubts that I'll actually be able to succeed, just another reminder.